The subject of afterlife and the metaphysical possibilities of our endless journey as energy forms is not what this article is about. It is not even about spirituality and the belief that there is another dimension of elevated awareness beyond this world.  This is about the ongoing nature of creating information and considering how each one of us has the power to remain a constant force in sending it forward; even after we die. This is thinking forward and creating for the use of future generations. About Johnny Appleseeds of this world and thousands of others who have lived beyond their ages; those who have continuously encouraged others to reach a higher state of being, past their living days. I would like to call this the “remaining power”: a state of being that affects people in a physical world even when the creator of the effect is not actually present and has ceased to exist. This is a state of lasting power through compassionate creation and loving care.

But, do we have to be a genius or so brilliant to achieve such remaining power or can we just exist as an ordinary person who attempts to support humanity? By dictionary definition the word “remain” means: “continue to exist, esp. after other similar or related people or things have ceased to exist”. So the question becomes: what is the difference between those who “ceased to exist” and those who “continued to exist” after they were dead? We grow up learning different trades, arts, acts and sciences to fulfill our financial and emotional needs.

We diligently learn how to be the best at what we do, but if our excellence is not coupled with true passion we will not “remain”. Every person has remaining power and every person is good at something, but not every person is passionate enough about the gifts that are bestowed upon them. Every person is able to create, build, invent, or accumulate lasting valuables but it is not every person’s priority to do it for care and support of other’s. To have remaining power there needs to be a passion for creation that comes from joy of giving to life.

Joyful dedication of a person in achieving a task is the representation of his or her passion for creation. It shows the love of doing something just because one believes in the gained value of the end result. Such love is the harmony of actions and thoughts that are not any different than the purpose of one’s life. It is living a life of dedicated attendance to a subject that one has chosen for the rest of the days. This is a person who has remaining power because he or she patiently continues to accumulate a valuable body of information that is useful to every human being. The information that one leaves behind after passing is actually the physical attestation of that person’s existence and what passion they possessed. It is what makes that person immortal.

The information that allows one to remain memorable is not limited to any particular field; it can be in every realm of existence. What one does to benefit others creates a ripple of rewards that continues to be used by generations to come. We often call the good doers a “Johnny Appleseed” He lived from 1774 t0 1845 but his name continues to live as an everyday household. His passion for planting apple trees left us 1200 acres of apple orchards as he spread the seeds. He built fences around the nurseries to protect them from livestock and then left them in the care of neighbors who sold the trees and fruits on shares. We can all be a “Johnny Appleseed” but we mostly choose to stop at planting just a few apple trees for our own use, in our backyards.

We struggle our whole lives trying to maintain or cope with our physical limitations. We are concerned and fearful of possible losses, thus we do not necessarily enjoy our gains. When we focus on our deficiencies and just notice our lacks life becomes a game of trying to increase our prosperity. However, when we devote our energy to what we love, nothing can stop our success beyond the living years. Our “Remaining power” is unlimited, yet in order to extend the chances of survival we cut ourselves short of immortality. We are never told that the art of living is not in the quantity of life; it is in the quality that we live it behind.

Some may think that it is egotistic to desire a recognizable outcome after our death. The reality is that when we die our ego is dead with it, so what is left behind is love. The conversation between the ego and our physical body is an ongoing pattern of self-protection. Our inner-child is often scared by the fears of destruction and death; however love can take over and soothe it all.

A passionate love knows no boundaries and being mindful of that allows growing the “remaining power”. One who is passionate about every undertaking, loves the process, and appreciates the outcome can live forever. Those who are experiencing inner joy and bliss are creators. They spread the seeds of remaining power and let others benefit from the fruits of their joy. We do not need to focus on life after death while we can live this life and have the ability to remain.

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Dr. Sadigh’s one on one sessions, group meetings, workshops, and integrative seminars specialize in clarifying the difficulties in communication and facilitating healthy growth. Dr. Sadigh focuses on his client’s ability to desensitize old worries, process new understandings, and replace negative outlooks with a positive attitude in service of success and happiness. Dr. Sadigh’s radio programs can be heard on blogtalkradio.com/drdaniel and 670amkirn.com . For more information and registration visit
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Remaining Power is a post from:

As spring arrives on March 20th and mother earth is pregnant with yet another season of rejuvenation, there are those who may not have fully recovered from a harsh winter. Regardless of the colorful display of blossoms on the trees, the intoxicated chirpings of visiting birds and the fresh fragrance of budding grass under the sun, some people may not feel like celebrating the glorious changes of a season. Those who have suffered the storms of their past winters are mostly worried about the challenges of the devastating days ahead and question their own possibilities for growth and vitality. When one is flooded with thoughts of loss and fears of unbearable results, joy or positive attitude can hardly be regained.

When we hear about someone’s tragic story we often feel empathically affected by it. We share the pains of the victims of hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, shootings, crashes, and other devastating incidents without even knowing who they really are, but when we personally know them our sensitivities jump to a whole different height. Over a year ago a car accident created havoc in my immediate community and the horrifying possibilities of loss devastated the family members, friends, and acquaintances of two young men who were involved. Ariel, then 16, went through the horrible journey of losing mobility, comfort, dreams, and aspirations. He suffered blowing damages that made his young body stuck in a limbo between his physical challenges and his potential for growth.

The horrors of losing mobility, comfort, dreams, and aspirations were the realities that this young man had to deal with. Although Ariel was riding a roller-coaster of breakdowns and possibilities, at the end of it he was triumphant. He chose to stand tall in defeating the demons of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression. His powerful mind eventually sided with growth and allowed him to feel this spring’s blessings. Ariel has captured the essence of vitality as he has realized life happens and growth is possible as long as he moves on with it. He has allowed me to share the heartfelt understanding of his journey, written by him in the hopes of motivating others to overcome their demonic thoughts and desperate feelings. This unique poem is the most honest window in to the internal challenges of a mind/body connection in pursuit of health and vitality:

“I am depressed man. These monsters in my head have made me mad! I ask G-D why, why does G-D make my mind fly? Is this a test? Because these struggles’ are such a pest! This feels like a curse, because my madness is about to make me burst!

Although there are a few happy endings, I still hate this and my angers expanding. What should I do when no one believes me you see? Run, hide, treat it like pee? And just FLUSH? And let that shit rush inside of the toilet because I’m about to lose it! I feel like I’ve been pushed inside of a locker and cannot fit. I often ask myself, “what should I do?” Like Le’Bron James, I should just keep battling these monsters so they quit playing these games. How can I look for happiness when I think it is lost? I do some things because I don’t really think it has a huge cost. This thing probably all is fake, but that’s just a risk I’m almost forced to take.

I’ve been put into a really bad position, I always tend to ask myself, why did this happen? I also feel like I didn’t really deserve this! Others may believe that this is just bliss! But no, it’s not. I’ve just been walked on too much and I’m caught. A lot of frustration is going on in my head. “I accept this challenge,” is what I said. There is so much pain inside this game that I think it’s driving me insane! I’ve pretty much destroyed every positive thought in me. I am kind of a negative person, can’t you see? I just need to believe this one saying: “A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits!” You know what I’m saying? No, I’m not a rapper, but you may actually one day see this on the paper. This thing is so annoying, that my mind is like aching. I hate this freaking magic as I’m thinking, “how can something happen to me that’s this tragic?”

My life’s a messed up circuit, I’m supposed to find my purpose. But it’s so tough in this game; I have to fight to defend my name. This thing is slowly taking me over, but no I’m a gangster, I will somehow find an answer! I’m too strong and too smart for this, I almost treat this like a major “diss!” There are some ups though, this isn’t just my biggest foe. I’ve gained muscle from this, I just want to give this a kiss goodbye. My motto is to never ever give up, but I do sometimes feel like throwing up my middle fingers up; that’s wassup! So what? All this for no reason? I really wish all this was already beaten! I woke up one day on a hospital bed, all of a sudden I realized part of my brain’s dead! Apparently, I was involved in a severe car accident but I don’t believe it except I tore one of my major ligaments.

My life is slowly starting to get back together, I just need to hurry up and get better. As you can tell, my body does not work well. My hands are shaky, and I am aching. But I’m on my road to recovery. There’s nothing anyone can really do to stop me. No one may be able to see, but determination is my main key. The lock is in my brain, these monsters are pressuring me but I’m battling them day by day. They are telling me I must hurry up and pay! But no, I’m not here to stay! My life was turned upside down, no wonder why I usually have a big frown. I’m not going to let this stop me! Why? Because I’m a P.I.M.P. This is sucking out all my happiness like a leech, I really want to give this a lesson to teach! A few more months until I may breach insanity, just because I haven‘t yet reached my own reality. This thing is like my biggest enemy because they are kind of asking a bit too much from me. This whole dam thing is causing me fear because of some ridiculous things that I hear.

This thing needs to hurry up and finish because my body can soon no longer replenish. I’m staying strong though, hoping that a light bulb will just shine above my head and begin to glow. I know that being stressed-out for too long of a time isn’t good for this life of mine. Even though this thing has grown onto me and I complain a lot about this place, I can still completely kick this thing out without leaving a bit of a trace. These monsters are trying to hurt me because they think I’m weak, but they can’t even compete! Maybe if these people and monsters could see what I see, maybe they’d stop haunting me. Now, I don’t complain nearly as much, because I’m finally reaching my goal like Kobe in the fourth-that’s clutch. This thing now is as weak as Pau, now is the time to chill, relax, and say “wow.” I can feel this thing is almost done, now, I must admit I had some fun. I’m really going to miss this freaking thing. Although it did hurt a lot more than A bee sting. I’m just going to hold on and stay strong like Tupac said, welp, now it’s getting late, got to go brush my teeth, and get ready for bed.”

Ariel’s resilience and determination comes from his strong beliefs; his un-doubtful resolve in being one with God and nature. His beliefs are acknowledged by witnessing the great care and support that he has received from everyone around him. His family members’ tireless efforts, his communities’ loving prayers and the dedicated sustenance of healthcare providers have collaboratively encouraged him to wake up and stand for his right to be vital. With the dedication of his “gardening” mother, like a rejuvenating flower, he is utilizing what this new season of his life is providing for him.

The first day of spring is the Persian New Year of “NOWROOZ,” which means “a new day.” The lesson of NOWROOZ is looking forward to new possibilities and revitalization. As long as hardships of winter do not destroy life, under care of a nurturing gardener, life will continue to grow and regain its flow. Like our mother earth we always have potential for remedying the past and moving forward. Let’s learn from Ariel’s belief in himself and his dedication to exercising his gift of vitality. We are born with many rights but do we honor those rights and practice them? Do we appreciate what nature continues to bring us? Do we wisely choose to hold on to our beliefs or allow them to perish? If we have not cherished our God-given rights in the past, this  ”new day” is another opportunity to start.

Happy Spring to all. 

Vitality ~ Ariel’s Triumph is a post from:

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.

I eventually understood that the exchange of the vows required a give and take, just like the exchange of the rings. It conveyed to me that if my heart and soul will belong to you and I am going to be yours, then your heart and soul will belong to me and you are going to be mine. So if this was the definition, it would have meant there was an exchange of ownership. One was giving up the possession of him or herself in order to gain another person’s. Well, this did not seem that healthy to me. If I had to give up my autonomy in order to be in a committed relationship, I would have been at the mercy of another person and lost power over my own existence. If I had allowed another entity to have sovereignty over my domain and I had become the ruler of another person, then what had happened to love and compassion? Did we lose our individuality in a loving relationship?

A loving and compassionate relationship requires much give and take, but not sacrificing one’s self in the process. I do not believe the institution of love and marriage is based on giving up power. On the contrary, I believe a loving relationship is accepting the other as how they are and feeling that you are cared for without being judged. Giving up the things that are valuable and important in your life in exchange for becoming acceptable or satisfactory to another is depowering and leads to loss of love. When one continuously puts another one on a pedestal and tells him or herself that in pursuit of a loving relationship my wants and ambitions are not important, the message is that I do not matter. Would you like to stay in a relationship with someone who does not matter? Would you feel safe and supported by such person? I wouldn’t.

Rumi says: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”. The capacity to feel true love and to build fulfilling relationships is limited when one experiences self-doubt, self-blame, and self-harm. The “barriers within” are the psychological wounds that need healing before one can “seek for love.” Childhood traumas and abuses along with losses, rejections, betrayals, abandonments, and break-downs get in the way of trust, security, and joyful connectedness. In order to be efficient and productive in our care and support for others, every step of life requires our awareness and attention to our personal well-being. A person who does not place much value on “self” and imagines making selfless sacrifices as the showing of love for others will not be able to know what others’ needs are and how they may be fulfilled. Self-love is the first step in loving. It is not selfish to respect and value yourself; it is foolish if you don’t.

Growth and joy are the main ingredients of a prosperous life and love is the potion that is made of both. Our motivation for being alive and enjoying life is tied to our ability to take this potion and be “intoxicated” by it. Our relationships can be kept alive if love initiates from within and not from outside. When a bride and a groom call each other “my beloved” it does not mean that those words reflect how much they care for themselves. Self-love is the acceptance and compassion that one has for him or her “self”. It is the self-esteem and self-worth that one carries in to the relationship. Without such sense of inner peace and self-respect a loving relationship can easily turn into a power-struggle or a guilt-fest.

On a day like Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate love, we need to take a moment and examine our sentiments for ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves and find out how we take care of US? We should be able to affirm that we are fair, non-judgmental, responsible, empowered, and secure. After all, a person who is not pleased with his or her life achievements or performances will never be fully satisfied with anyone else’s. Let’s start true love with another Rumi quote: “If I love myself I love you. If I love you I love myself.”

The salvation in love can only come from being “my beloved” before looking for “my beloved.”

Dr. D. Sadigh

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As I come back to my physical limitations, the appreciation of nature and the joy of feeling connected with its beauties leave my thoughts and my attention goes back to my daily responsibilities. I remember my next article is due and that I have been thinking to write about the concept of “stretch.” After all, every experience, including a daydream, needs limitations and a sense of knowing where to stop. We need to stretch situations to learn or gain more, but we also have to know when we have stretched it out enough before breaking boundaries. We grow up as we stretch physically, mentally, and emotionally but overstretching any of them will damage all growth.

Although from the outsider’s perspective our life may look well-managed and flawless, the reality might be different. Many of us are controlling situation just because we try to hide the inner turmoil or avoid falling apart. In order to keep a well-balanced lifestyle we have no choice but to look into our inner self. Once we can realistically assess our shortcomings and strengths, then we will have the possibility of making needed adjustments towards a joyful life. Most times our weaknesses are mere imagined limitations that we have subconsciously acquired and grown accustomed to. When a person’s fearfulness or sadness is a hindrance, the chances are that he or she has experienced certain barriers or obstacles in personal growth. Once growth is jeopardized, our emotional, mental, and physical balance gets affected and we end up on an overall problematic course. We feel misunderstood, unappreciated, betrayed, abandoned, weak, and hopeless.

Even when a person acts courageously or shows an exhilarating attitude, regardless of the positive connotation, underlying imbalances may exist to be dealt with. The subconscious extroversive outbursts in seeking acceptance, attention and control, or introversive fears of rejection, shame, guilt, embarrassment, or abandonment may signify lack of emotional fulfillment. So, our humanistic goal is a continuous modulation and adjustment which not only includes stretching our limitations, but also creates a responsibility to be respectful, purposeful, and aware.

The virtues of RESPECT, PURPOSE, and AWARENESS (RPA) are at the core of any RESPONSIBILITY (RESPONSE-ABILITY). A responsible person is constantly growing and stretching out the domains of his or her healthy existence. He/she feels in charge and thrives for success, abundance, and fulfillment. The ability to act with a measured response to situations (RESPONSE-ABILITY) vs. the irritability to react with unpredictable reaction to situations (REACT-ACTIVITY) is the main distinction between success and failure. Flexibility or stretch-ability entails the responsibility to measure responses and requires accountability or continuous attention to RPA:

Respect: What you expect from others in terms of how you would like to be treated is a good way to measure appropriate respect. But, in fact you only receive the mirror image of what you show from yourself in terms of respect to others. If you are not happy with how you are being treated you may change the outcome by treating others differently. This is a huge stretch because we are often trapped in the thoughts and limitations of our past expectations, which might not have been reasonable or accurate. Our responsibility to our self is to realize what issues create reactive responses that do not allow for tolerance, understanding and compassion.

Purpose: Achievements cannot be made without a clear path towards a desired destination. If we are stuck in our comfort zone and lose motivation to reach beyond perceived limitations, we will end up jeopardizing our growth. That is why we need to stretch our beliefs and build our future based upon desirable goals. A person who does not have purpose ends up feeling depressed, disappointed, frustrated, and hopeless. A responsible person sets intentions and moves forward with purpose. In order to have a purpose in life we need a clear vision, focus on goals, and attention to details.

Awareness: Being present to our feelings when situations arise and recognizing the appropriate time for applying wisdom to solve our problems requires an alert, but not alarmed, state called awareness. Lack of awareness is like being captured in a dark room without knowing where the walls are or if there are any openings to exit. As a responsible person we have to make choices that respectfully get us closer to our desired purpose; without awareness growth will be limited. Awareness starts with self-realization because confusion and lack of self-confidence create negative self-judgment and worthlessness. Through education and practicing what we learn we are prepared to stretch beyond ambiguity and indecisiveness.

The beauties and brutalities of the outside world rubbing against our sensitive and fragile inner being are thinly separated from each other: only by the perception of SELF. However, a joyful SELF is not just a perception: it is WHOLE and its growth is real. It requires stretch on three forms of being. On the physical level we stretch our SELF through exercising the body. We build stronger muscles, joints, and a frame that could move us beyond the outside challenges. We shape our minds by expanding our memory and storing intelligence to protect SELF against both external and internal complications. And, we imagine our SELF connected to the universe by stretching our faith and trust even though we may not sense the inner or outer boundaries of self. We are continuously in search of meaning as we only mean something in relationship to others and our environment.

As I ended up writing about the importance of stretch, I couldn’t resist noticing my own RPA and what I promote as a person or in my profession. For me R is self-respect, P is self-balance, and A is self-clarity. Without stretching out in all three forms of being I cannot be considered a responsible person. Staying clear about my need to be well-balanced allows me to feel respected and be accountable.

Stretching Out is a post from:

As a male psychotherapist hearing women’s complaints about men is a unique experience. Not only I am continuously in the position of hearing women’s concerns about men, I have also lived the life of the “villain” man; the one who most women are complaining about. Although I can understand my female clients’ sensitivities, it is never easy to convince their men that “women are right”. As long as each gender believes the other is “wrong” making meaningful connections become challenging. If we can establish that “being right” as a woman does not constitute that her man is “wrong”, then there will be less reason for hostility. With acceptance, healthier communications become possible.

Most men grow up with aspirations to be strong, so to feel like a man their actions are focused on their drive to protect and to provide. However, these strong men are mostly raised by women who are nurturers and care-givers. Traditionally women have attended to the immediate needs of a family while their men focused on the outside world’s challenges. Men have experienced social responsibilities according to their gender roles and imposed by their care-givers. Then men have continued to protect their strength by rejecting their mothers’ vulnerabilities while women have adapted to their mom’s roles and continued to be nurturing. This behavior has gone on for thousands of years since our primary ancestors started their communities as “hunter-gatherers”. Over 10,000 years ago men traveled far distances to hunt for food, while women stayed around and gathered fruits and roots for survival of their offspring.

The findings published in the British Journal of Psychology validate the concept that due to the hunter-gatherer identity of human race, men and women’s brains have evolved in different ways. Psychologist Helen Stancey of Hammersmith and West London College has noted: “Evidence already exists that separate pathways in the brain process visual information from near and far space. Our results suggest that the near pathway is favored in women and the far pathway is favored in men. These sex differences in visual processing may be a result of our hunter-gatherer evolutionary legacy. As the predominant gatherers, women would have needed to work well in near space, whereas the prey for (predominantly male) hunters would have been in far space.”

In facing everyday issues or subjects such deeply rooted pathways have created two distinctly different thought patterns. Women naturally pay more specific attention to matters and notice delicate details in comparison with men who are more attentive to general concerns and deal with distant tasks or goals. Besides, women’s maternal instincts and sensitivities have equipped them with intuitive responses and making them “right” in their predictions. On the other hand men are made fun of for not finding things that are right in front of them, but are praised for their intellectual vision, their strength, and the ability to be persistent. This has made men more “rigid”. Each of the two mind-sets makes perfect sense according to how each gender’s brain is developed, but the continued rejection of each other’s point of view is the major conflict. When one is “wrong” communication gets interrupted and more disappointments are experienced. No one wants to be wrong and everyone likes to be right.

Some recent research suggests that happy feelings reside in the left brain and unhappy feelings in the right brain. Men have more tendencies for immediate gratification while women are more concerned or even worried about what has happened in the past or will happen in the future. In order to maintain their “happy” mind-sets, men show their frustrations by choosing emotional distance. When they doze off in front of the TV, do not discuss much details, react quickly in anger, and eventually create more obstacles in communication, they are stating that “we are not feeling understood”. But at the same time, these men are displaying inattention and that makes women “right” in their beliefs about men. Every inability to communicate may be improved by further learning and applying sensitivity skills, but we cannot ignore the fact that differences are not easily bridged. Without proper attention, poor communications between men and women cause unilateral judgments, serious disagreements, and further breach of trust.

Another misunderstanding has arisen in the last few decades. As the original roles of men and women have increasingly blended, women in the workforce are attending far reaching tasks and men are expected to feel more of their vulnerabilities. Single moms, corporate lionesses, and housewives alike complain that their needs are not met while men, who have increasingly been financially and emotionally challenged, find it hard to fulfill their wishes. One-in-three marriages now end in divorce while around 70% are initiated by women due to the measure of financial independence and changes in social norms. As men are more frequently blamed for lack of vulnerability and marginalized under the shadow of women’s achievements, they are not receiving the respect and attention that they once had. The cost of this social change for men is not just losing the power that they had possessed for thousands of years; it has also increased the FEAR of being sensitive and caring at the expense of being called “WEAK”.

In any old or new society a man who perceives himself as “weak” loses self-respect and feels devalued. It is obviously difficult for a man to let go of the old ways that for generations have kept him feeling strong and powerful. The fear of the loss of a once unquestioned authority distances men away from acknowledging that today’s women are “right” in many of their observations. When women can feel “right” gracefully and without vengeance, while men feel appreciated for their gentleness without being labeled as “bad or failed”, a new understanding can be achieved. A man who is valued for his protectiveness will be able to communicate his strength by showing deeper compassion. When a woman trusts that her man can provide a secure and supportive environment, without judging her moods or trying to “fix” her beliefs, she will pay more respect to that man’s needs. A trusting relationship will secure their happiness.

As a man feels understood, appreciated, and not blamed for the emotional insecurities of his household, his deepest fear of not being good enough gets resolved. If he feels loved and accepted instead of disappointed and failed, he thrives to be a better man and stays happy. Of course, many men have experienced mothers who didn’t come through for them and tainted their initial points of reference in understanding women’s needs. Also, many women have been raised by fathers who did not deserve trust and could have been frightening points of reference as the male providers of security and compassion. These deep scars need further understanding and healing.    

Ironically, I recently learned that in Korean acupuncture the “right” side of our body represents female energy while the “left” side represents male. Then for healing the body of our society we may just start with “women are right”.  When women are “right”, then men can be “left” the way they are.

Dr. Sadigh’s one on one sessions, group classes, seminars, and integrative programs specialize in pointing out the “blind spots”. He enhances his client’s ability to desensitize old worries, process new understandings, and replace negative outlooks with a positive attitude in service of success and happiness. You can listen to Dr. Sadigh’s archived programs on blogtalkradio.com/drdaniel or visit www.drsadigh.com 

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Are Women Right? is a post from:

A happy moment in my life had just turned into a sad visualization of the world’s horrifying realities. I wondered why we cannot hold on to the happy moments in our lives while we can easily let go of the comfort and peace that we justifiably deserve. After all, not only I had not done anything “wrong” to bring about discomfort to others, I had also spent most of my life making the world a better place to live in. Yet, it seemed like things were not “good-enough” and I did not deserve to be happy if others were suffering. The world was still affected by anxiety, fear, hunger, uncertainty, anger, and loss and I couldn’t do much about it at that moment. Could I ever wipe those feelings from the face of the earth? Can it ever be a “perfect” world and can I always be on the “right”?

“Right” or “wrong” judgments often distract us from experiencing reality. As long as we want to fix things from wrong to right we are insisting that things are “broken”. While we are tending to fixing things we end up losing the joy of what we “have” at that moment. Just because things are broken it does not mean that we cannot benefit from some values in them or utilizing them. That thing could simply be a relationship, our health, a job, our finances, or just a happy moment that we have at the present time. A broken leg is a nuisance but still a valuable part of a body, a broken heart is hurtful yet being able to fall in love is a valuable virtue, and having a demanding boss is hectic although having a job is a blessing. Once we are attending to the “rights” or “wrongs” and the “perfect” or “broken” maintaining a smile becomes impossible. As we struggle to be “right” and expect ourselves not to make any mistakes we lose opportunities for being satisfied or feeling “good-enough”.

If we believe that we are not “good-enough” then we will constantly be in pursuit of unhappiness. Naturally, when we do not accept our own shortcomings and flaws we cannot tolerate any “failure” in others as well. As we feel guilty or bad for our “wrongs”, we look for ways to justify our action in order to avoid the depressing feelings of “failure”. We will go on defending self, subconsciously bring shame to others, have an embarrassing or belittling attitude, get angry or frustrated, become anxious, and eventually lose more happiness. That’s the reason for the negative values in our world not going away; things can never be “perfect”.

When we are continuously fixated on trying to fix everything, we lose the chance for tasting happiness. Happiness is not the destination at the end of a “perfect” life; it is the jubilant sounds and the colors over the clouds that darken our lives on a 4^th of July. It is savoring the taste of a peach while knowing that we can plant more peaches for others to taste after us. Happiness is with us in every moment if we take the time and notice what there “is” to be happy about rather than what it “is not”. Little things in life have flavors and their tastes can make us move forward in joy. Sadly enough we mostly pay attention to the end result or the gratifying aspect of things, rather than sensing them while we can.

We often take our five senses for granted and miss out on truly experiencing each moment. We are either regretting what we lost in the previous moment or worry about what will happen in the next. Our five senses are the gateways for being present to what “is” and by consciously utilizing them we can tune in to the happy moments in our lives. Like cherishing the taste of a seasonal fruit, sucking on its mouth watering nectar, smelling its refreshing fragrance, and feeling the heavenly blessing that nature has provided for us, tasting life can bring smiles to our faces. By tasting each flavor of life our facial expression can be an appreciating smile, especially if we are contently going about helping the world becoming a better place. Remember, it can never be better if we do not appreciate what we have NOW. Let’s show the taste of happiness by experiencing a lasting SMILE.

Taste of Happiness is a post from:

Most of the challenges with our parents, spouses, children, family members, friends, and colleagues stem from miscommunications and the resulting lack of trust. It is amazing how deeply we are programmed and conditioned by different factors in our lives. They make us interact accordingly in our different relationships.  Our genes, gender, primary care-givers, friends, family members, media, neighborhood, race, religion, and many other conditions make up the pre-set channels of our communication.

When those pre-set emotional buttons are pushed, we are bound to create certain outcomes. Just like a computer that is computing on the programmer’s instructions, we run based on the information that since birth is collected and stored in our mind-body connection. Trust can be reached when we pay full attention to and believe in such sources of life-changing information as we communicate them. Non-judgmental communication, mutual respect and meaningful connections are the components of building trust. 

Our judgments clearly affect the way we talk and show up in relationships. Factors such as sensitivities to our past experiences, fear of confrontation, lack of sufficient information, possibility of being rejected, social status, and most importantly the level of self-confidence and worthiness play significant roles in our judgmental stance.

A person who feels overwhelmed and anxious, or avoids interactions cannot get positive results from his/her communications. Talking about what is important to us is a requirement for mature and healthy relationships. However, how can we talk if we are not certain what is expressed is useful to us or others? It is “effective communication” that provides security, self-worth and mutual respect. We survive difficult conditions when our needs and our feelings are conveyed properly and understood by others. The art of effective communication is based on several principles:

• Clarity of intention is the starting point of any communication. Once we know why it is important to discuss our concerns, then we are able to realize who can help us or provide the necessary information.
• Awareness of the situation is the understanding of the path that leads to finding the answers we are looking for or the direction that we are seeking.
• Genuine curiosity is the key that opens up the entrance to the path of awareness and understanding. It is our desire to learn and grow.
• Timing and organization of thoughts are essential elements of proceeding on the path of effective communication; without them we cannot receive the desired outcome. Giving information requires preparation and receiving them needs organized storing and accessibility.
• Understanding our feelings is great help in organizing our thoughts. Many of us are not able to differentiate among different feelings. Lack of clarification or receiving validation and acceptance for what is communicated will result in confusion and stress.

Being judgmental, disrespectful, and distanced from others are huge obstacles in communication since they shut down the possibility for collaboration and joyful relationships.

When I stopped judging our cat, Milo, and gave up comparing him with my dogs; treated him as he liked to be treated; and, showed him that regardless of our differences I cared to be close to him, our relationship changed. Milo has since grown to be a loving part of my life and we enjoy spending time together in ways that I had not experienced before. My dogs had never physically laid down on my heart and “purrrrred” in peace and joy.

If effective communication and paying such positive attention to our pets create such wonderful relationships, then imagine how amazing it is to connect with other human beings. Being closed minded to the potential joy in relationships is a huge loss. Let’s hope none of us are losing the chances of enjoying important others around us.

Talk to Me is a post from:

As a man I have mostly paid attention to femininity in the opposite sex and have been blessed by experiencing the gifts in women. Gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, caring, compassion, tolerance, nurturance, altruism, and helpfulness of women have always been sources of soothing and healing for my emotional wounds. I have experienced femininity in my wife’s continuous affection and support; my sisters’ sensitivity and empathy; my aunts’ compassion and helpfulness, and my mother’s endless sacrifices, tolerance and NURTURANCE. In all my connections to the feminine attributes of those women around me it is NURTURANCE that stands out as the most basic element of my GROWTH. After all, it is the physical and emotional care and nourishment of a caregiver that supports a healthy development and it is the nature’s nurturing quality that provides an innate ability to grow.

As I have been paying more attention to the nurturing quality of women and grown in my personal and professional understandings, I have realized that the most universally talked about virtue of femininity which is acknowledged by both genders is Motherhood. Regardless of a person’s ethnicity, religion, culture, age, sexuality or political associations the role that a MOTHER plays in someone’s life cannot not be disputed or replaced by any other force in nature. Any inconsistency in a person’s earlier experiences with a mother or a mother-figure allows us to notice some breakdowns in the emotional or mental health of that person. On the other hand, we can observe the most self-confident and assertive people have enjoyed a higher sense of security by having a nurturing care-giver. I have repeatedly observed how the broken or confident responses of most people rely on the degree or level of SECURITY provided by appropriate expression of MOTHERHOOD.

As we often refer to our natural habitat as MOTHER EARTH, we continuously compare our existence and our survival on this planet with the loving arms of a mother that rocks the cradle and brings us what we NEED. From the moment of birth to the last breath of air we depend on the nurturance provided by earth and our sense of SECURITY can be easily threatened by any lack or overflow of its different natural elements. It is the mothering nurture of nature that is balanced as without water we will perish and with too much water we can be drowned. Without oxygen within a few minutes we will have severe brain damage and with too much oxygen we will be poisoned. Then our physical security depends on the appropriate support of its needs and it is a mothering arm that provides safety and sustenance.
But, what happens to emotional security? Is that also balanced by the well-measured expressions of motherhood? Based on psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory infants form an affectionate bond or tie with a mother-figure starting very early on. Such bonds are based on the child’s need for safety, security and protection that is paramount in infancy and childhood. The consistency of a caregiver who is usually a biological mother needs sensitivity and responsiveness to create a secure attachment. Of course the role of a father cannot be ignored as men have traditionally provided physical strength and shelter primarily for the mother of their children and after birth for their children. By understanding such mindset of men, it is even more evident that men are needed to assist in providing a safe environment and allowing a woman to provide proper EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL SECURITY for her offspring. Yes, it is a mammoth of a job.

When our families face so many elements of stress, our societies impose devaluing values, and merchandisers display degrading objectification of women, we can understand how much harder it is to be a woman and a mother at the same time. By looking around our world we can easily see huge numbers of women who are emotionally and physically abused. How could their children feel secure if these women are not treated with respect and support? Suffering from symptoms of INSECURITY such as depression, anxiety, obsession, frustration, and anger have become such normal aspects of living since insecure children become insecure adults and reproduce more insecure children. By witnessing the great number of divorces, broken families, lack of social support, abusive environments, traumatic events, and overall increase in the mothers’ emotional isolation, our future will be in danger unless we pay more attention to the values and security of MOTHERHOOD. A healthy life starts with a healthy mother and that is how every man and woman can thrive with security.

We recently celebrated Earth Day and we will be celebrating Mothers’ Day soon. This is an appropriate time to set intention for supporting MOTHERHOOD. There is a mother-figure in every one of us. The valuable femininity that is inherited in most men is the values that a mother has installed in them. As we appreciate what a mother does and we become agents of support for all mothers to be, we are helping the CONTINUATION of our own HEALTHY GROWTH and HEAL THE WORLD.

Dr. Sadigh’s is a Clinical Psychologist and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with 34 years of education and experience in integrating the fields of Medical Sciences, Accounting & Finance, Business & Production, Writing & Film-making, Somatic Psychotherapy, Guided Imagery, Electro-Magnetic Field Balancing, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). He practices in Westwood and Encino by appointments only. Initial phone interview is required.

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In embarrassment, as I hosed the plants down for revival, I reviewed the causes of such over-sight. Working many hours, traveling a few weekends, the busy schedules of other family members, my heath issues,and an array of other big or small excuses came to my mind, but none of them were justifiable. It felt like I had fallen into a deep sleep for a while and had just woken up to see the garden was dying. Well, at that time all I could do was to secure the plants and hopefully bring them back to life. As I continued with gardening a disturbing question popped in to my head: If I could so easily miss caring for the healthy growth of my garden, then how could I be certain that I properly care for my own healthy growth?

We all get busy with life. The financial hardships, family responsibilities, educational pursuits, our leisure seeking attempts, physical struggles, and different emotionally challenging obstacles are always around us. They often take us away from focusing on our immediate needs for growth and eventually face us with stress, sadness, anxiety, depression, and physical illness. If we are not attended for, just like the garden that turns yellow and withers, we will lose our strength and vitality. Eventually with continuous over-sights and negligence our immune system gets shot down; in the same fashion that the sprinklers in my garden did.

We are indeed like a garden. The seeds of being are planted by our parents and we naturally grow into different developmental stages of life. Of course, a garden needs a gardener and without proper gardening it may not survive. That’s why the role of parenting is very important in the early stages of development. The nurturing and care taking required for the growth of a child is essential for our survival and without it a healthy adulthood is not easily possible. Just like my garden that needed my attention to catch up with the season and to grow blossoms in the spring time, a child needs attention to grow self-esteem and be able to live with an assertive attitude. As trees get older and run deeper roots into the ground, their need for gardeners decrease. An old tree adapts to its environment and survives on very little support. In fact, anchoring in a stable position and tapping into the natural resources allows a tree to be self-reliant.  As adults, by assuming the responsibilities of providing security and support, we become our own self-relying garden and gardeners.

Many go through life with the fears and worries of not being able to support themselves. Feeling not good-enough, inadequate, helpless, or hopeless does not allow them to grow with enough confidence or being able to self-sooth. Like a young tree, they feel weak and fearful of challenges. They shake hard with the blow of every wind and are frightened to be uprooted at any moment. Their approach to life is to lay low and act passively. Some others act in defiance and hostility. They become users and abusers who take over and dry up others’ energies, just like the garden weeds. Although they take control, they never grow strong enough to become solidly grounded like a tree; they act aggressively, yet on the inside they are hollow.

Assertiveness is what needs to be applied once we are our own care-takers and in pursuit of healthy growth. Assertiveness is clearly distinguishable from both aggression and passivity by noticing the ways that one communicates and sets personal boundaries. Through fearful inaction or avoiding confrontation, passive communicators allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate their choices. They do not defend their own personal boundaries and are typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not accept or respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. Their aggression gains them an imagined sense of security that is often an attempt to mask their own fears of rejection or annihilation.

Passive and aggressive communication styles or a mixture of them represent those who show agreement and timidity while their words or expressions indicate hostility (passive-aggressive). The lack of effective coping mechanisms for achieving self-reliance gets on the way of a healthy growth and results in the collapse of physical, emotional, and spiritual immunity. On the other hand people who communicate assertively can overcome fear of speaking their minds. They also try to influence others by encouragement and persuasions. Assertive people respect the personal boundaries of others and do not interfere without asking for permission. They perform as able gardeners who can support themselves and help others through feeling secured and without needing to be offensive or defensive.

To become efficient care-takers for self and others we need to develop certain understandings and learn new techniques. Assertiveness Training (“AT”) has been a well-known approach for preventing psychological disorders and most addictive/obsessive inclinations. It was first introduced by Andrew Salter (1961) and popularized by the works of Joseph Wolpe, as he believed a person could not be both assertive and anxious at the same time. He suggested being assertive inhibits anxiety and allows for healthy communication. The goals of an assertiveness training include:

• Increasing awareness of our personal rights
• Differentiating between assertiveness, aggression, and passivity
• Understanding and applying assertive communication techniques
• Noticing anxiety provoking behaviors and clarifying intentions

As spring arrives on March 19th, the gardens wear the happy colors of their plants and the fragrances of their rejuvenation fill up the air. On this date as I celebrate the Persian New Year, I also promise myself to pay more attention to my garden. I assertively encourage and invite you to celebrate your joyful garden and remember that as the gardeners of your garden, you are responsible to assist and protect your assertion into your environment. Let’s breathe some fresh air, feel free, be relaxed, and grow with confidence.

GATEWAY TO GROWTH: Join Dr. Sadigh on April 2nd, or April 10th from 7:00 to 9:00 and learn how an eight week workshop may help you with more assertiveness and allow you to set reasonable boundaries.

Growth in the Garden is a post from: